Cauldron

I like books.

Name:

I live in a small town and enjoy writing about the inhabitants. I spend most of my time perusing through used book stores looking for that one great book that I don't have; consequently, I have rooms filled with books. I am a book addict.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Fuck, I'm just Fucked!!!

Life still sucks, but I am going to go to the library and get a book or fifty. I am just so tired and so depressed. The new dose of meds aren’t helping and I am afraid to let the shrink know because he wanted to admit me and change some of my meds and do so under strict observation, the fuck I say, no way. The therapists wants me to come twice a week and talk about it, but fuck, I don’t know what it is that is hurting me so much. Could be the loss of my daughter, I mean she is lost, she isn’t even using her visitation with the seven year old and has not made an attempt to see the Baby. I am so worried that I have lost her forever. I’m afraid she is cold or hungry or being mistreated. I am afraid that she doesn’t know how much I love her. It’s love, yes, it’s love that kept her from going over the deep end, and now, well, she thinks I don’t love her and I’m afraid she has crossed over and can’t find her way back.

Also, I’m 51 and keeping up with the Baby is so hard, although, I wouldn’t change a thing, well, I’d make his mother well so she could keep up with him. I am not getting to see the seven-year-old enough. I miss him so much that my heart hurts.

All this stress is eating that hole in my stomach larger and larger and now the surgeon is looking at doing surgery to remove the diseased section but then we can’t do that because of my lung fungus and I am breathing worse and worse and I am just so tired of being sick. Fuck!

Yesterday, we took the boys to the pool and when I went outside the sun blinded me and I realized that I had not been outside since a week before when I took the Baby to the park. I feel the need to shave my head, or pierce my tongue or do something radical to wake me up, get me going. I don’t know what I need, but I’m not getting it and it’s killing me. I have to snap out of this. But how do you snap yourself out of sadness so painful that it hurts to breathe?

6 Comments:

Blogger jo(e) said...

The stuff with your daughter is so very difficult. I am amazed that you cope as well as you do.

Sending hugs and energy your way.

2:06 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

okay, if I can't get my tongue pierced, you can't either,but if I can, well, then we'll just go together.

Also, I'm with Jo(e). You're coping is impressive.

Sympathy sorries to you cause you're so sad.

You know, if you need me for anything, just call and I'm so there.

3:50 PM  
Blogger delagar said...

Crap. I've so been there.

I didn't want to do the medication route either. If you need it, do it. I mean, if it works. Some of what they put me on didn't work. Some of it just made me worse.

One thing that did help me, this one bit of therapeutic advice, was to make small right choices every day -- tiny, tiny choices -- and that these will move us out of the bad place. Really slowly, unfortunately, but they will. These are choices like choosing to get up out of bed, and choosing to write something, and choosing to leave the house and take the baby to the park. Tiny shit that we *can* do. Anyway, most days we can.

And part of it is the major changes that have happened -- look at the huge events that have happened in your life in the past year. Taking in the baby, losing your daughter (not actually, but in a real sense, you're right, you have), mr. zelda's major life changes, moving, going to graduate school, losing the house, various illnesses, the good son's life changes -- all those are *major* stressors. Major stressors cause depression, among other things.

Breathe deeply. Make mr. zelda take you to the mountains. Find some rocks. Read something good. I'll send some Billy Bragg up there with mr. delagar -- you want some? He always cheers me up.

It's what got me out of my last really nasty depression.

6:24 PM  
Blogger silly old me said...

Someone told me once to be still, breathe, and listen to myself.

All very painful, but slowly, very slowly I started to be more me again. I think the pain numbs us and drives us to be frantic...searching, searching. Maybe we are looking for something, knowing all along, that sometimes we just have too much shit going on and start to lose who we are in our core. It can make us angry and we turn it on ourselves.

Write it out.

Prayers and strength going out to you.

8:21 PM  
Blogger OTRgirl said...

Agnes Sanford wrote of her deep depression that the best thing was to just spend some time outside. In nature. Not even praying or thinking, just being in the midst of God and his world. I imagine that's fairly hard with a baby though...

You have so much to grieve and so many changes you've gone through. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

Everyone has given you excellent advice, Zelda, and I'll add some. I have found, through years of working with depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed patients, that most people have very powerful auditory/neurological receptors. I often have people find tapes that they like (hypnotherapy tapes are especially useful, but not necessary, since hypnotherapy is going to occur, anyway) and listen to them over and over. The reults have been great.

There are several people who probably havetapes that would be useful to you: Thich Nhat Hanh, Stephen Levine, Michal Levin, Deepak Chopra, Caroline Myss, etc.

8:59 AM  

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