Just Another Day

I hate Cox cable. Our internet was down for a day or so, it turns out that someone broke into our outside box and tried to steal cable and while stealing cable, they messed our internet up. I tell the support guy that it has happened before, he says oh no, it’s here and he works on it from the office and has me unplug and replug and find ports and I am so confused that I am weary. But, finally our Internet was back up and running, but we cannot get email. Mr. Zelda says he can fix it but has not had time. So, I can’t check my email, not that I would have time. The grandson, well, he hates for me to even go near the pc. He wants me to play cars, and throw the ball, and play patty cake and itsy bitsy spider and froggy dance and watch Dora and Blue’s Clues.

I have not washed dishes in three days, clothes in four days, swept my floor in four days…well you get the idea. We eat take out every night and during the day, well we eat his favorite food, corn dogs. I don’t see how young women do it, that taking care of a toddler and other children. I used to do it but have forgotten the rhythm and I think it is a rhythm to staying organized. It’s like the rhythm I use when I write, when I read, when I research…well, I have forgotten the rhythm to mothering a small child. Oh, I give him lots of love and kisses and keep him clean and dry, but that’s all I can do. I can’t do the multi tasking. I think, and I may be wrong, but I think that when we become grandmothers, we lose something, oh we gain much more, but we lose that energy of doing laundry, dishes, sweeping, and chasing the children.

I want him all the time, I want custody, and while I know that I am probably not going to get him, I am still hoping that she will do the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, she keeps him clean, fed, and never abuses him or neglects him. He is a picture of mental and physical health. But, well she has unsavory friends, they all have criminal records, don’t work, spend their time scheming on how to get their next bit of dope. I am so afraid there will be a big bust, and social services will take my grandson. Even if it’s just for an hour that is too long for him to be afraid and with strangers, so I beg her, my daughter, to let me have the baby. Let me keep him until she finally decides to get out of that life.

I was going to take him back to her this Saturday and let him stay with her while Mr. Zelda and I go to a party, but when I talked to her, well she was so wasted. I doubt she even remembers the conversation.
It’s a shame that in Arkansas grandparents have no rights, none. If my daughter decided that she didn’t want me to see my grandchildren, well, I would not have a legal recourse. So, I have to be so careful about what I do. The lawyer said that if I file for custody and lose, well, she could and probably would not let me see the kids again.
My husband and I are going to try one more time to get her to go to rehab. Maybe this time it will work.