Now What?

Well, yesterday was my last day for this semester. I took my two finals, Latin and Pedagogy, and I turned in my four-page paper to my Pedagogy teacher. The instructions were four pages. He said four pages so I’m thinking he is very anal retentive and wants his instructions followed to a T, so I do four pages. Maybe, I could have written a little more, you know made a nice five-page paper. I don’t know. I’m really stressing--you see, undergraduate was so easy for me. It was fun and easy and I knew where I stood, all the time I knew. But here in graduate school, I am not certain of every little thing. And, and, well there are people, other students, who are just as talented as I. Yep, can you imagine, me not being the brightest star in the class. So, that means, I am going to have to work twice maybe three times harder to regain my position of bright star. Yesterday, after my pedagogy final, I actually sat down and read over the articles and tried to second-guess my answers on the test. You know, oh I could have said this or that and why did I say that. I actually cried for about an hour, much to Mr. Zelda’s trying so hard to fix it. He always does that, why are you crying, he asks and I say nothing and he says why and I say nothing and really how do I explain why I am crying. It’s stress, it’s release, and it’s fear and regret and all of those things that make women the sensitive people that we are. But today, all that is behind me, and I am going to get my grandson, the baby, today. I am going to keep him for the four weeks that I am out for the holidays. I get the seven-year-old when he is out for school. I am pumped about that. We will make cookies and all the good things that make for entertainment. The good thing about having the baby is the afternoons when he is ready for a nap, and he gets his blanket and climbs into my lap, and lays his little head on my arm and I tell him a story and he tickles my ear, and then he falls asleep. While he sleeps, I cat nap. My grandchildren make my heart feel so good, it’s so different from any heat-emotional feeling that I have had, even my children, whom I love more than life, well they made me feel happy but my grandsons, they just touch me more powerfully, maybe my children did the same but since they are grown, maybe I have forgotten. I have to say, grandchildren are better than any antidepressant that I have ever been prescribed. Yep, even better than Xanax.
So no more school work, so what do I do? REad for fun write for me and go to the park. Yep, that's it.