The Big Fucking Day is Here!!!
Today is my first day of graduate school. I feel like the little girl that I was 4o something y ears ago and my mamma woke me up to go to school for the very first time. My belly hurts, my knees are wobbly, and I’m thinking what if I have to go pee.
Because of the high anxiety, yesterday, Mr. Zelda and I went to the campus, parked in the handicapped spot near the library and I tried my legs walking from my English building to the library to the union, not going to be easy, but it is a possibility with a lot of pain medication I might can do it. Then, we went to a couple of used book stores and I bought all my books except one and I can buy it new at the university book store. We navigated the course from my apartment to the school three times so that I would know exactly how to do it and we sat on a bench in the cool evening air, and I listened to the tree frogs, watched the squirrels, and the freshman, (one and the same) and thought why in the hell didn’t I do this years ago. Did I tell you how beautiful the campus is? It sits upon a hill amongst the foothills of the Ozarks and for miles around you can see the tops of beautiful rolling hills. I can’t wait until the trees change colors.
I guess what is hard is that I have not slept a wink all night. That means that I am going to sit through Melville and Hawthorne on about two hours sleep. Plus, I have to hustle around and get into Latin before 9 am. Yep, it’s going to be hectic and no sleep. I’m fucked.
I have to be at the library before it opens to be first in line to get the semester long study room, which is like an office with my own key. I can study, write papers, and do the things I do to prepare for class.
I think I am way stressing and should at least calm down but can’t and won’t until the day is near the end. On the bright side, I started reading one of William Carlos Williams’ books last night and he described the just born babe so poetically and so perfectly. The man’s use of words is so poignant that I think he may be quickly becoming one of my favorite writers. Who knows?
My problem today is will I suffer with insomnia the entire time I am in graduate school and if so, will I ever be the same and of course the age-old question of will they like me? Isn’t it important for the classmates and professors to like me? I here my speech that I made to my children whenever they were confronted with new things and new people, just be yourself and you will be fine. My problem is that myself is…well she is not like most people, she is a bit bipolar and runs a little manic and takes a lot of drugs to maintain her tongue and then among all of that, she really wants to fit in. A 50-year-old Nana with bipolar wanting to fit in. Imagine that. Focus, focus, I can do this. I will think about Buddha and what he would do and how he would handle this life-changing event. No, bad idea, he would run and hide and get all thin and all of that; maybe Christ, no he would want to save people and I don’t have time for that, oh I know, I’ll do what women do, be strong and get though it, sorta like child birth. Go the length of time for the product to mature, go through the necessary pain, in the end give birth to a great Master’s thesis and then a doctoral dissertation and that is how women do it. So, I will be a woman and just do it. No pun intended.
Because of the high anxiety, yesterday, Mr. Zelda and I went to the campus, parked in the handicapped spot near the library and I tried my legs walking from my English building to the library to the union, not going to be easy, but it is a possibility with a lot of pain medication I might can do it. Then, we went to a couple of used book stores and I bought all my books except one and I can buy it new at the university book store. We navigated the course from my apartment to the school three times so that I would know exactly how to do it and we sat on a bench in the cool evening air, and I listened to the tree frogs, watched the squirrels, and the freshman, (one and the same) and thought why in the hell didn’t I do this years ago. Did I tell you how beautiful the campus is? It sits upon a hill amongst the foothills of the Ozarks and for miles around you can see the tops of beautiful rolling hills. I can’t wait until the trees change colors.
I guess what is hard is that I have not slept a wink all night. That means that I am going to sit through Melville and Hawthorne on about two hours sleep. Plus, I have to hustle around and get into Latin before 9 am. Yep, it’s going to be hectic and no sleep. I’m fucked.
I have to be at the library before it opens to be first in line to get the semester long study room, which is like an office with my own key. I can study, write papers, and do the things I do to prepare for class.
I think I am way stressing and should at least calm down but can’t and won’t until the day is near the end. On the bright side, I started reading one of William Carlos Williams’ books last night and he described the just born babe so poetically and so perfectly. The man’s use of words is so poignant that I think he may be quickly becoming one of my favorite writers. Who knows?
My problem today is will I suffer with insomnia the entire time I am in graduate school and if so, will I ever be the same and of course the age-old question of will they like me? Isn’t it important for the classmates and professors to like me? I here my speech that I made to my children whenever they were confronted with new things and new people, just be yourself and you will be fine. My problem is that myself is…well she is not like most people, she is a bit bipolar and runs a little manic and takes a lot of drugs to maintain her tongue and then among all of that, she really wants to fit in. A 50-year-old Nana with bipolar wanting to fit in. Imagine that. Focus, focus, I can do this. I will think about Buddha and what he would do and how he would handle this life-changing event. No, bad idea, he would run and hide and get all thin and all of that; maybe Christ, no he would want to save people and I don’t have time for that, oh I know, I’ll do what women do, be strong and get though it, sorta like child birth. Go the length of time for the product to mature, go through the necessary pain, in the end give birth to a great Master’s thesis and then a doctoral dissertation and that is how women do it. So, I will be a woman and just do it. No pun intended.
posted by zelda1 | 3:10 AM
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