Big day, New Bra, and in the Middle is a mess

It’s the big day, the day that I go to the reception for grad. School. I didn’t sleep well, and got up early, and while I wanted to look a few years or months or days younger, I will be going in with giant bags under my eyes, not that they weren’t big already, which brings me to a thought of what happens to post menopausal women’s breasts. The filling goes to the eyes and the arms. Yep that’s it, the puffy eyes are forming breasts buds and the suddenly swimming arms are residual breasts tissue that absolutely couldn’t stay in the breasts. Anyway, I got up early and was reading the dictionary, not really helping the eyes, and I took drugs, legal ones not that I wouldn’t have taken illegal ones had I had them, and I am thinking about my courses and can I do it and do I want to know everything there is to know about Melville and Hawthorne and 20th cent American writers and what about my commitment to grow old gracefully and travel and dig for fossils in the New Mexico desert and taking life easy and wearing old women’s panties. I can’t do any of that while I am in school. Maybe the old women’s panties but then what if there’s an accident and they have to cut my pants legs and the students are around and they see the emergency people cutting the legs and then the big loose old women panties are accidentally exposed and they would say, my god, she is like my great grandmother. What am I thinking? I could stop here and get a job teaching high school English, but then I wouldn’t be able to talk about evolution, mythology, African American writers and the injustices done to the African Americans or the Japanese or the Hispanic, I would not be able to introduce contemporary literature but would have to stick to the canonized white men. I would be miserable and would probably say fuck in class and would be fired and maybe put in prison. I am thinking that I need to move forward, go to this reception, and if I fall on my face, well I will get up, or try to get up, and then I will move forward. Plus, I bought this really nice new braw without the under wires but it makes me look a little less cowish and a little more perky. So, maybe I’ll go just to try out the new bra.