Life still sucks, but I am going to go to the library and get a book or fifty. I am just so tired and so depressed. The new dose of meds aren’t helping and I am afraid to let the shrink know because he wanted to admit me and change some of my meds and do so under strict observation, the fuck I say, no way. The therapists wants me to come twice a week and talk about it, but fuck, I don’t know what it is that is hurting me so much. Could be the loss of my daughter, I mean she is lost, she isn’t even using her visitation with the seven year old and has not made an attempt to see the Baby. I am so worried that I have lost her forever. I’m afraid she is cold or hungry or being mistreated. I am afraid that she doesn’t know how much I love her. It’s love, yes, it’s love that kept her from going over the deep end, and now, well, she thinks I don’t love her and I’m afraid she has crossed over and can’t find her way back.
Also, I’m 51 and keeping up with the Baby is so hard, although, I wouldn’t change a thing, well, I’d make his mother well so she could keep up with him. I am not getting to see the seven-year-old enough. I miss him so much that my heart hurts.
All this stress is eating that hole in my stomach larger and larger and now the surgeon is looking at doing surgery to remove the diseased section but then we can’t do that because of my lung fungus and I am breathing worse and worse and I am just so tired of being sick. Fuck!
Yesterday, we took the boys to the pool and when I went outside the sun blinded me and I realized that I had not been outside since a week before when I took the Baby to the park. I feel the need to shave my head, or pierce my tongue or do something radical to wake me up, get me going. I don’t know what I need, but I’m not getting it and it’s killing me. I have to snap out of this. But how do you snap yourself out of sadness so painful that it hurts to breathe?